My future

and all of it's future-ness.

So I've been skyping with a friend frequently, and we decided that in the next two or three years we should get an apartment together, and while I'm excited I'm also nervous.

I mean I have never lived with anyone besides my family and in theory, having a roommate would be nice because you wouldn't really be alone, but in reality it would be weird. I mean we're very compatible in many ways, but I have no idea what her living habits are like, and I don't want to have to explain things, or what if I need alone time, and she's around?

It sounds really stupid, but that's my fear.

Also since I've been focusing on losing weight, I've lost two pounds since last Friday. So two pounds in one week? That's good! I talked to Ashley tonight for over three hours and it was really nice just to chat. I told her about something that I never really talked about before, she completely understood and it made me happy.

Sometimes all I can think about is;

why aren't I rich?

Since joining pinterest, I have suddenly caught the decorating room bug and it sucks.

I want to remove everything from my room and buy new furniture, but I'm not rich, and I'm not nearly strong enough to do that.

I got a flu shot the other day and my arm still hurts a little. The nurse walked in with a needle and was like, "You never got a flu shot, did you?" I shook my head and she gave me the shot without warning. Nice lady. >.>

I got blood work done yesterday. I asked the man to do it in my hand because I hate when they do it in my arm, and he was like why? Why? Because I pass out if you do it in my arm, that's why. Plus I had to fast for this one, so obviously I wanted to be out as soon as possible. I was less afraid over the actually blood work, than him trying to find a vein. I was afraid, he wouldn't be able to find a vein and he would have to stick my arm.

After that, my mom took me to a farmers market and I got breakfast. I got a bagel and some coffee. It was good coffee, okay?

I went to work yesterday and today and it was pretty nice. I spent like half of my shift refreshing the isles, meaning, I pulled the stuff forward so it looked nicer. I don't mind doing that, I'm left alone.

Wow this is a long post.

I knew facebook was a dumb idea.

I made a facebook in 2007, and deleted it in August of 2010. I made a new one in September of 2011. For the most part, I enjoy facebook because it's a way to talk to people quickly when I need them, see what's going on with people, and keep in touch when old friends. That's all fine and dandy, but lately it just feels weird. In December my friend amount went from around 70 to 100. I was sending out friend requests left and right, I blogged about it before. It feels weird because it brings back my past. My past is a touchy subject and one I don't like to talk about a lot. I was bullied a lot and I like to not think about it. I think my life has been great the last several years, and I plan on keeping it that way.

Basically this all started when I was lurking my brother's facebook. My brother has a lot of friends from my school in New York, and I was going through his friends and I was just in shock. Some of these people really grew up and look so adult-like now and it's astounding. Some look like a bunch of rich twats but what can I say, once a rich twat, always a rich twat. I stumbled upon someone I used to consider a friend. She wasn't a good friend, but she was a friend. My first reaction was to add her and see what's going on with her life, but when I looked at her profile, I noticed that she was friends with a lot of people that bullied me. When I say she wasn't a good friend, it's because she was friends with people that bullied me but she never stood up for me. My mind keeps going back to this day in 2008, and I don't like thinking about that.

I made a thread on Perc and someone said, add her, but block the people you don't want to see. So I did, and guess what? Nothing happened. She accepted the request, and that was that.

It's interesting that I get so worked up over nothing.

Stupid irrational self.

But alas, it still brings back memories of my past and I will always have those memories, but I can move on though. It's taken 10 years to move on.

I hate feeling unmotivated.

For as long as I can remember, I have never been motivated to do things, unless I was interested in it, or I would get something out of it. But lately I haven't even been motivated to do things I enjoy. I have so many DVDs, movies in general, and TV shows to watch, books to read, stories to write, but I have no motivation. I know when you lose interest in things you once 'loved' that's a symptom of depression and I have been dealing with depression since 2006, but I fail to believe that depression caused all of this.

Lately I have been really into pinterest, and I spend too much time on there. Maybe I need to turn off my laptop, and read, but I doubt that will happen.

I hate getting excited for things.

Over the years I have learned to never be excited for things because something will ruin it. Or it will just not happen and that's still upsetting.

It seems that every time I make plans, they never happen and it makes me annoyed because I actually was looking forward to it.


Ignore me, okay?

I'm also annoyed because I was supposed to work out today but I didn't and now I feel weird.

My weird, fucked up logic.

So I decided I wanted to buy a Vera Bradley lunchbox because A) I like their designs. and B) (This is my weird fucked up logic.) Because it will help me lose weight and save money.

Lately at work when I work a 6 hour shift or longer, I buy something to eat when I'm on break. Which is usually a slice of pizza and a diet coke. (I love diet coke not because it's zero calories, but because it just tastes good to me.) Which A) costs me a lot each week, and B) It's fattening and not good. Now, I don't do that every day, but usually twice a week, and that's not good.

I decided if I spend a lot on a lunchbox (36 dollars, plus 8 dollars for shipping.) I wouldn't buy pizza anymore because I spent so much on a nice lunchbox so I would want to bring lunch, and B) If I stopped buying pizza I would save money in the long run.

So 36 dollars now seems pricey, but in a few months, I'll be glad I did it.

Also my neighbor wants to sell his car so I want to buy it. So I need money.

Okay, I'm done ranting.

What have I gotten myself into?

I made a pinterest last night because I saw a friend had one and it seemed really interesting. I liked it because it's categorized, so it's not messy and I can have dozens of boards filled with different themes. It was like when I had a tumblr, except now I can post anything I want in different boards. It makes me happy.

Not that anyone cares but here's a link.

Carry on.

Maybe it's my inner optimist talking right now

or maybe it's because I have plans next week (I think, we're still working on it.) and when I say plans, I mean two different people. I rarely hang out with anyone, I hung out with people two maybe or three times last year, I never see people because I don't want to. Anyways, it makes me slightly happy to potentially have plans because it would be nice. But I feel slightly optimistic because I want to be, I want 2013 to be different, I think I had a good year last year. No, I know I did. So why can't 2013 be better? I'm ready to make 2013 my bitch bich.

I recently got into some new music, and that makes me happy. I love finding new artists to listen to.

I also started writing one of my stories that I was having a really hard time finding motivation to write. I guess I just needed something to write about. I won't give away any

but know it will be


Okay I'm done with this post.
Carry on.

I hate how people use days as an excuse for change.

I can't stand how people use New Years to change or make goals for themselves. I understand that New Years means a fresh start to many people, but I can't stand that people make goals just because it's New Years. My dad texted me a few minutes after New Years and asked if I had any resolutions, and I said no, but I have goals that aren't just for 2013, but they're goals for anything. And he was confused and asked why? Why? Because I don't like resolutions, but I like goals. He then asked what my goals were and I said, I didn't want to say because they're personal. He understood and that was that.

It also annoys me how people use Valentines day to show their significant other they love/care about them. You shouldn't need a day to tell them/show them that. If you cared about them, you would show them every day in little ways, not by buying chocolates, a giant stuffed animal, and flowers. If I ever date and they like Valentines day, I would try my best to show my support, but seriously, you don't need a day to show them you care for them.

Blog, I'm sorry for abandoning you.

I haven't forgotten about you, I just haven't been in the mood to blog.

Let's see, Christmas was last week and of course it went by in a flash. My mom took down the Christmas tree today, well I guess yesterday seeing as it's 12:08. I'm going to take down my tree today, which is something I don't want to do.
So Christmas 2012. Let's see. My brother woke me up around 9:30 because you know, presents. I got so many nice things. My favorite gift was Mario Kart and a steering wheel for the wii, which my brother got me. I got some clothes, this Juicy Couture perfume set that I picked out, some gift cards, and a wristlet from Vera Bradley that I also picked out, and some other things. We went to my grandfather's house like we do every year and we hung out there for a while, my one aunt gave me a bunch of gifts, and I was like hot damn. So I talked to my aunt's partner about movies and we apparently both like old movies, and that's awesome. She got me this purple watch and I was like, how did you know I love purple, and she was like, you like what I like. I think she's an ISTP and that's cool. My aunt is definitely an ENFP, so that's good, I'm not the only intuitive person in my family. Okay so as we were talking, I was like, why are Jewish people always so short? And my aunt's partner was talking about how they only marry other Jewish people and I was like, they should just marry some tall Swedish person and my aunt turned to look at me and was like, "Like Heath Ledger!" And I was almost died because thrhjtjrkthjrkthjq. I was like "Yeah." and she was like, well he's dead." Well no shit Sherlock, but I was like... I'm aware. My mom looked at me and smirked because she knows my feels towards that situation. trhtkjrthrkthjrtkrq I was 54574985734985784394758439% done. So after a while we went to my cousin's house which is literally right up the street from my grandfather's house, and we ate lasagna and cake. Oh I got Lana Del Rey's new CD and two Audrey Hepburn movies, and I think I can die happily now. So obviously Christmas was good.

Also it snowed like twice. IT SNOWED. I LOVE SNOW. I CAN'T EVEN.

I took some of my mom's xanax last night and I slept for a really long time. I felt really calm and as I was falling asleep, I was just relaxed and I didn't think and omg I was happy.
I took more tonight, so I'm pretty calm right now. I want to sleep but I needed to blog first.

Since it's 2013 I think I should make a list of 12 ways I have changed since 2012 started.

1) I found out I was an INTP and while it might not seem like a big deal, it certainly makes me happy because it has changed my life in a really good way. It's explained some things about myself. I don't have any words, it just makes me feel better.

2) I started talking to my dad again, and it's been going really well.

3) I started talking to Samy again, and it's been going really well.

4) I got a job and instead of quitting the first week like I wanted to, I've stuck it out.

5) I deleted my tumblr.

6) I just overall grew up.

7) I experienced a real loss that hurt me immensely. We put our rabbit down in May. She was 9 and a half. She was my best friend. People don't realize how much she meant to me.

8) I finally got some confidence.

9) I stopped caring so much about how people viewed me. Maybe it's because I'm not in school and I don't have to deal with immaturity every day, and the only people I socialize with are my coworkers or the customers, either way, I stopped caring.

10) I realized that growing up I wasn't weird or different, I was just myself and that's okay.

11) I re found my love for My Little Pony.

12) Most importantly, I realized that life is short and that I shouldn't give a shit about what people say, because I know I will go far in life.


omg ignore the cheesy-ness. Plz.

Am I really this silly?

I'm told quite frequently that I'm funny or silly, and lately it's been at work. I don't actively try to be funny because when I am, I'm not. I just say things and people laugh and tell me I'm funny. At work, a few people call me a mini Sharon which makes me laugh. Apparently because I let me Ne out at work too much, I come across as an extrovert, which I'm not obviously.

Also pandora is starting to annoy me. I added other artists I like to my Lana Del Rey station, so now they don't play Lana and that annoys me. -_-

/pointless thread.

Four days until Christmas,

I REPEAT. FOUR DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS! Okay now that we're all aware I would like to make a blog post about stupidity and double standards.Which is synonymous but yeah you get my drift.

The first part has to do with the loud introduction. I work in a grocery store as mostly everyone knows and this week I have been asking the question, "Are you ready for next week?" Usually it's to women who are wearing Christmas pins or something that makes it obvious that they celebrate. 6 times out of 10 they say almost, or getting there and that's good. The other 4 people are like nope, I haven't even started. Like wot?



Christmas is next week, and you haven't even began your shopping? What are you waiting for, New Years? thrkhtrktjhrjktrhtk

People then would ask me and I would say, "Eh, I got all of the main gifts out of the way, I just have stocking stuff to get, and to wrap it all." Which was mostly true, I did get all of my main gifts, and they are in fact wrapped, but I do need stocking stuff though.

I don't honestly give a flying you know what, but I'm bored at work and I like to make it interesting, so I ask questions and it's fun. People tell me I talk too much at work, and I guess I do, but it's not like I care, I just like passing time. If I stand there and have my normal face which I have been told is quite 'bitchy' and 'rude/angry' then people would get mad and complain. So.... Yeah.

Okay second part of the blog.

So last week Jenna Marbles made a video talking about how she doesn't understand sluts and I was like meh she's expressing her opinion. Was she wrong about things? Yes. Was she also smart about things? Yes. People defend her because she has 545475847594015 followers and everyone loves her. Now last night this other youtuber Trish made a video basically joking around and was like, let's all just have sex and she sort of faked having it. Well not really but she did. I laughed because that's just her personality and she's just Trish. People are blowing everything out of proportion and I'm like wot? She was clearly joking around.

It's a double standard because when a 'pretty girl' makes a mistake and she's 'popular' people forgive her and think oh, she worded it wrong but she meant well. But if someone that's deemed 'not as pretty' makes a mistake people freak out. trjhtkrthjktqjrktkrqe
trhtlrjtkljqt

It's weird

Lately my number of facebook friends keeps going up and up. I remember when I had like 60 friends and I thought that was a lot. I now have 110 and it just feels weird. Like now these people are 'apart of my life' and I just feel weird. Some how I feel like if I have more facebook friends, that means more and more people will try to add me and I don't want to deal with that. I mean I'm not one to post all of the time, so I don't necessarily fear that I'm going to make an ass out of my self, besides, I'm friends with my mom, cousin, and a few other adults so I really doubt I'm going to post anything inappropriate. I mean I guess I'm just paranoid. It just feels so odd to have over 100 facebook friends.



(I don't really get this meme but it always makes me laugh.)

This post is pointless.





Sthrthrkthrjktq can you tell I'm bored?

Is it really December 16th?

I can't believe how close to Christmas it is, the time has definitely passed by in a flash.

Today was kind of nice.

I woke up and managed down toast and I watched Gilmore Girls. My dad and Ellen came over and we went out to breakfast. We went to the Cracker Barrel and I was definitely freaking out. It was crowded and my face hurt so much. We had a good table, we sat near a giant fire place, and on the table they had this game which requires logic and I sat there playing it until the food arrived. I had two pieces of french toast and it made me sad because they were a bit boring and everyone else had something they really wanted. Oh well.

I wrapped my brothers' gifts and I finished up A Night At the Opera and the fire place was on and the tree was lit up. It felt all homey and stuff.

I spoke with Allison on the phone and she gave me the code for the itunes card, I still have to buy hers. :x

I don't like that tomorrow is my last day off but I guess it means one less day until Christmas?

I almost bought the first season of AHS but I stopped myself because I know I'll be getting money for Christmas, so why waste my money when I'll be getting some soon enough?

Day after surgery

My mouth definitely hurts more today, well my bottom teeth do anyways, I don't know if it's my teeth or my face. I didn't use ice today so it looks swollen and I could have sworn it looked bruised but my face is always red so I have no idea. It's definitely sore to touch though.

The good news is, I can manage more food. I had french toast for breakfast, and toast and tomato soup for lunch, and more potato soup and grilled cheese for dinner. I even managed to eat a cookie that my mom made. She made oatmeal, chocolate chip cookies. I went to wawa today and I bought a 'winter spice latte'. It's basically a pumpkin spice latte but it has nutmeg and other winter-y stuff.

My dad and his girlfriend came over for the weekend. They stopped by for an hour or two and I showed them Super Mario Galaxy which was cool. And I started watching Duck Soup with Ellen.

My dad bought me the Dark Knight Rises and The Casual Vacancy which made me really happy. Ellen got me this stuffed polar bear with these beans inside, and you put him in the microwave and it's a heating pad. I named him Batman. Don't judge me. And she got me these fuzzy socks which you can never have too much of.

I found these really great photo's on this Lana Del Rey fanpage and I need to post them.

You don't realize how much I love Ride, the video its self is beyond amazing, but the lyrics just speak to me. Lana just understands me, and I can't stand when people say she's fake or whatever.

Can you tell I idolize the woman?

i had my wisdom teeth out today.

And honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I had the appointment at 9 and I was out at like 10:15.
My mouth hurts but other than that, I'm fine. The lady at the front desk wrote me a note saying I needed out of work for the next 4 days. I AM OKAY WITH THIS.

So Megan posted

on my facebook wall and I am in love with it. It's my new cover photo.

This blog post is dumb, but oh well.

But it's my birthday!

So today is my birthday and I know it's not over, but I really want to make a blog post now.

At midnight my friend Megan wrote on my wall and I was like





Okay no, I was tired.

At around 12:30 I actually left my room and Drew was like, Happy birthday, you'll get your present in the morning. I actually had a feel.

I woke up to a few facebook posts and it made me have feels even more.

I watched a little bit of Inception but then I realized I had work so I got ready. My mom gave me my gifts and I was happy. I got a new wii remote, Super Mario Galaxy, and this phone case:


I went to work and I asked Sarah if Cathy was there today and she said no, and I almost did this:







Words can not describe how I felt.

I walked into the break room and put my stuff in my locker and I walked back to the desk so I could find what register I would go on. Sarah was like, Allison, you work 4-8. I looked at her like:





I told her, no I work 11-5..... So when I went to the office the schedule said 4-8 and I was pissed because Cathy changed the schedule without telling me. Who the fuck does that? Oh right, Cathy.
Courtney stopped me on my way out and gave me a plate filled with cookies, and she was like, I made cookies for you. thrkjthrkjthrkthfgbtrughtrjkjtrhtjgjfgbreutgbfa



I called my mom and she was pissed. But oh well. I only work 4 hours today, so I'm not complaining.

Drew got me the first part of the seventh season of Doctor Who so I'm happy.




I started playing Super Mario Galaxy and it's fabulous.


Plz ignore all of the gifs. Or don't, I don't really care.

oh how cute

So tomorrow is my birthday and since it's on a Sunday you can't really do anything fun. My mom told me the other week that my Aunt was going to come over today to celebrate and that made me have feels.

Basically that's how I am when I have feels. Okay so Eleven is my spirit animal and everyone should know that.

Anyways, so I worked from 10 until 4 today and work sucked so much. At first Cathy was alright and she actually was nice but then at around 2 she got bitchy with me and I wanted to scream.


Thank you again Eleven for reacting properly.

She would get mad at me for really stupid things, like always. Weis has this new system where you push a button the computer and that sends someone over for 'carry out' which is exactly how it sounds, someone helps brings the cart to their car and unloads it for them. So I would push the button and it would send Cathy over to the register next to me, I think she assumed the lady on that register was pushing it, but I was. So I would ask Cathy if the hand held dinged and she would look at me like I was insane and say, no... In a bitchy tone.
I was standing in front of my register waiting for a customer and this man walked over with quite a few items and he didn't have a cart, so I pushed the button so when she came over, she could get him a cart. She walked over rolled her eyes and walked away. After the guy left, she came over and was like, Allison how many times do I have to tell you, the only times you push the button is for reasons x, y, and z. Even though it was obvious that the guy needed a cart. I don't get it, if someone else pushed the button, she would have thanked them and gotten a cart and probably write their name down for good behavior or whatever. But OHHH no since I did it, that wasn't cool.

Some girl came into work a half hour late today, because she thought she started work at 3:30 not 3, Cathy didn't care and said, oh, well there were enough people on, so don't worry. If I did that, I would be lectured for 20 minutes and then be suspended. Fucking hell.


That's how I feel when Cathy opens her mouth. Everyone talks about how sweet she is, but she's condescending. She walks over and is like, what's wrong hon, or what's up sweetie? To me, that sounds condescending not sweet.

Anyways



So after work I started crying because I was so frustrated and like a child my emotions demanded to be heard.



See Rory gets me.

My mom tried to comfort me and I was like please don't touch me.



My aunt came over and we ate pizza and cake, and it was nice. She got me an Alice in Wonderland puzzle and I love it.

Yeah I'm done.

Some times work amuses me.

I feel like the only thing I don't fail at is making pointless blog posts. Well there are a few other things but blogging is a good fit for me.

So I walked into work today pumped because I knew I had to chameleon for my entire shift and go 'above and beyond'. I got to work an hour early and I saw Samy and I walked around with her for a few minutes while she was helping doing something but then I felt weird standing around so I told her I would talk to her later and I walked into the break room. I sat there for an hour and listened to Lana Del Rey (did you mean god?) and started reading the Shinning, I bought the book a few days ago and I just started it today. I really enjoy it, I mean I am in love with the movie, and the book was only 8 dollars so I'm pleased. Anyways, I read and listened to Lana Del Rey.

After I punched in, I went on register 11 but I didn't care because Kayla was on 12, so I had someone to talk to. Besides the next manager button was working today. (yay). I asked people about the secret sale and I packed their carts for them, but then I realized Cathy wasn't there today so no one bothered doing anything we were supposed to, so I didn't either. I sold four of the secret sale items today so I'm happy.

So there's a guy who works at Weis but he only works over nights, but for some reason some times he works during the day, and he worked today. He's attractive and I found out he likes My Little Pony and I mean he LOVES it. His background is Pinkie Pie, and his ringtone is Pinkie Pie laughing. Twilight is his favorite and since she's my favorite, I love him even more. Did I mention he's attractive? He also likes Doctor Who and Sherlock, and I think we should get married and have children. Well no because I don't want kids. Maybe. I don't know. I had to wait after work for my mom so I sat in the break room listening to Lana Del Rey and playing on my phone and Brandon came in the break room. And we talked and he was adorable and okay I need to stop because feels suck. I don't know if I like him, because when do INTPs ever know anything about themselves? But I think I do. I feel tempted to flat out say, hey I like you sort of and we should get married date. But I won't because I suck. He's nice and he sat across from me at the table when the break room was empty, and he laughs when I talk (I don't try to be funny, but apparently I am. Ask anyone.) and when I left he was like Bye!!!! and waved and I think I might have died a little.

Oh and Rarity is his least favorite pony and she's my other favorite so I was sad. He likes her but she isn't his favorite, which is alright because that's how I feel about Rainbow Dash, so I get that feel.

Ugh I hate feeling attracted to anyone that isn't fictional, or famous and has no idea I exist.

Okay I'll shut up.

Frustrated

Work has been a royal pain in the ass lately but I think I have reached something good-ish. Cathy pulled me into the office today and was talking to me about the new changes of the store and she understood that I was frustrated but obviously 'gossiping' was not good. I don't think she talked to Randy though because then I would have cried or something. (I'm terrified of Randy and if you met him you would be too.) She said I was a good cashier and she wants me to stay and she's giving me the hours I asked for because I'm good, and to be honest that made me crack a smile. I usually have a blank face when I'm being talked to in the office because why show expressions, they feed off fear and shit. I'm beyond tired emotionally these days. While it's nice that I like most people I work with, it's just ridiculous what they make us do. We are expected to stand in front of the registers if no one is coming through, I understand if it's relatively busy and other cashiers have customers but you don't, but if there's 5 or 6 cashiers and we're all standing in front of them like idiots, that's another story. We are now expected to thank them for being a gold card member. We are expected to  ring up their groceries and instead of just leaving them on the counter for them to grab, we are now expected to walk around and put them in the cart. First of all, how ridiculous is that? If they have a massive order, we are expected to do the same. So every time you pack a bag, you walk around to the other side and put their bag in there and then turn around and do the same thing. Talk about time consuming. We have to ask them about the secret sale, and then at the end we have to circle and tell them how much they saved, tell them how many gas points they have and how many cook ware points they have. Most people want in and they want out, they don't give a flying you know what about hearing how much points they have when they can look at the receipt and see for themselves.

I'm just frustrated but at least Cathy said something nice so I guess that's good. I hope things change around there.

In other news, I saw they had the Dark Knight Rises at work for sale and I almost did thjrhtktrjthrhtkjqrhtkjrthjrktqrtrthjgfjkghrtuhg because feelings.